One of the reasons I hadn't started this blog 2 months ago, what I didn't understand until very very recently, is something to the tune of the dreaded postpartum depression. DUN DUN DUN...
What I realize now is that I may have been experiencing perinatal depression, luckily (or unluckily) it was exacerbated by other factors in my life and it had me seeking professional help. To work on those aspects of my life and to understand the feelings I was having, I knew I couldn't do it in my own mind. This was a good thing that I'd sought out help. And I'd advise ANYONE to seek help if you feel 'off'. That's how it was for me. I didn't know what it was, I just knew I wasn't all there anymore. And unfortunately, it continued postpartum as well. Good thing I was already getting counseling.
This is the nitty gritty truth of my experience with perinatal and postpartum depression...
I lost myself. I lost my confidence, my hopes. Everything feels like it's falling apart around you and you don't know where to start picking up the pieces. The guilt you mistakenly feel for everything going wrong in your life eats at you. I could not understand when people told me "it's not your fault" because I had begun telling myself it's all my fault and worse, I'd started to believe it.
I got so worked up and anxious I started to notice my jaw was sore because I'd been clenching my teeth together so hard during the day. I felt exhausted almost all of the time and I wasn't able to get any kind of restful sleep. It doesn't help when you're the sole provider for an infant either. I would look at my son and feel nothing. I felt disconnected from him when I knew I'm doing what I can to bond with him. I had a hard time getting myself to go out with friends, telling myself I wouldn't have fun, telling myself I would bring everyone else down, I'd be the party pooper. I had to convince myself I needed to go out. I couldn't find the excitement to look forward to things.
This are all normal signs of depression, things that if you feel this way for a prolonged period of time can be considered dangerous. Particularly if it eventually leads to "those" thoughts. Which I never have, and I still can't contemplate how bad it has to be to entertain those thoughts at all. I'm not out of the clear, there's still the same stress there always has been. I've just been able to be more cognizant about my thoughts. Plus, antidepressants as prescribed by the doctors don't hurt either.
What no one ever tells you is how it physically affects you.
If I could possibly describe what the depression felt like with a visual explanation, the best description I can think of is trying to imagine what it would be like to trudge through a hot tar pit, struggling to take step after step. Fighting against the tacky ooze as it pulls you down trying to drown you, trying to suffocate you. Fighting against it seems impossible and the longer you fight, the more you exhaust your energy. Getting up and doing seemingly simple things becomes some monumental task. The thought alone of trying to decide to do those things becomes daunting. Your body is so tense that eventually it starts hurting. It's a panic attack on steroids.
My biggest thing was that I thought it was all just a mind set. That to change how I was feeling I had to change how I was thinking. However, its much much more than that. I realize that now because my thoughts are the same, but my reaction to them and my overall mood has gotten better. That's what the point of antidepressants are.
Thankfully, I have good support. Family and friends...and a good baby daddy who has taken over meal cooking and a multitude of other chores since I've been back at work. It's amazing what a good amount of R&R can do for you. I could go into more detail, however that would just be for me so I'll use my journal rather than my blog to get it out. Chronicling what I'm going through can help work things out in my head. I go back and forth with good weeks and bad weeks, I still need to work on a lot of issues but the good news is, I'm getting help and I'm getting better.
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