I'm learnding.

Both my mom and Jill said they've caught LLM staring at his hand.  I saw it myself the other day as well.  Last night we spent time staring at madmommy's hand, opening and closing our fingers, grabbing my fingers and inspecting my hand front and back, and feeling my palm with his fingers.

12 weeks

While I was watching him and counting off my fingers as he clumsily poked at each one with a fierce intensity, it hit me. The amazing feeling you get when you're discovering something new.  Experimenting and reveling in the pureness of learning.  Just being...amazed.

I can't wait to relive those experiences as he endeavors to learn about the world.  Why is the sky blue?...

What I've learned about poop.

I recently read a slideshow article on baby poop (see article here).  It's quite graphic but I find that I'm not bothered a single iota when it comes to poop and regurgitated food.  I haven't been grossed out by that stuff in a while actually.  I think I have the dogs to thank for that. An incontinent old geezer and a puppy at the same time. Never again, mind you. Anyway, I've learned a bit about baby poop on my own in the past 3 months.


10 things I've learned about poop:

1.   It's really mushy. But that's ok. Mushy, yellow, and seedy is good, healthy poop.
2.   Diapers do not always contain a poopsplosion.
3.   Huggies are insofar the worst at containing said poopsplosions. At least, for LLM.
4.   Poopsplosions can occur at ANY time. At home, in the car, visiting mommy's office, etc.
5.   The only way to clean up after a poopsplosion is to basically hose LLM down.
6.   Poopsplosions do not only come out the back.  The front and sides are fair game too.  And sometimes its all of the above. And when it does, it gets everywhere. Even in his hair...even in your hair.
7.   Poop can be projectile. I have yet to experience this, and hope to God I never do. But a friend has and since then I have been notably weary of LLM's behind.
8.   Baby poop stains. If you do not immediately wash and soak whatever poop has touched in a tub of oxyclean, it is forever stained. Colors are salvageable, whites...just give up and throw them away. And that doesn't just go for his clothes, but yours as well.
9.   Baby poop is stinky, but in a strange sickly sweet kind of way.
10.  Sometimes, babies don't poop everyday.  Think of it as he's using ALL of the food and nutrients to grow. But you should probably call the pediatrician after 4 days of not pooping.  Oh, and...after a couple days of not pooping, it's best to prepare for a poopsplosion... at any moment.

Visiting Great Grandma Tuty

Family has always been a big part of my life, an important part of my life.  And that's something I always wanted to extend to my children.  I'm blessed to have gotten to grow up with my cousins, whom are more like my brothers and sisters and some of my closest friends.  So, seeing as I don't plan on having another one anytime soon, I want LLM to grow up knowing his cousins as playmates.

LLM with Mama Tuty

I'm also blessed that for most of my short life, my grandparents have been around.  It's been 5 years now since the passing of both my grandfathers, but my grandmothers are both still around.  My paternal grandmother, who we call Ama, lives with my parents, and since I bring LLM there almost every weekday morning, she gets to interact with him all the time.   But my maternal grandmother lives with my aunt.  Although they live so close, I don't visit as often as I used to.  Even though I work about 10 min from their house and drive by every day, I don't stop by.  So my grandma, who we call Mama, doesn't get to see LLM as much.  She's expressed this to my mom who will lightly chastise me for keeping him all to myself and not sharing with my aunt and my grandma.  :-P  Yesterday we had the opportunity to go visit.

With Uncle Matthew and cousins

LLM is Ama's first great-grandson (sort of...long story, won't get into it).  But, Mama has 4 children, who gave her 11 grandchildren, who gave her 10 great-grandchildren and 1 step great granddaughter...and still counting.  I won't count further into the extended family because it gets more confusing and let's just say I once tried to count my mom's first cousins and stopped when i got to 40. Anyway, I digress...

We went to visit Mama yesterday and my cousin is there with his kids every day, so they got to see each other.  I didn't see my cousin, he was sleeping because he works nights. But I got to see my nieces.  My 3 year old god daughter, J.Rae, was infatuated with the baby.  She kept kissing him and smiling in his face...and I mean IN his face. He didn't know what to do haha.  Baby sister, Maddie, is 8 months old and I wish I got a picture of it but little man is almost the same size as her.  (we stood them up next to each other) Maddie must have thought LLM was a toy because she kept trying to grab him and pull him out of the arms of whoever was holding him next to her.  It was sort of cute if I wasn't worried she'd start smacking him in a fit because she wasn't allowed to grab. 

Pogi with Uncle Matthew and Cousin Jocy

I'm well aware I have the white boy baby in a family of Asians.  And looking at these pictures, boy, has he gotten chunky. <3

When do I start freaking out?

I've mentioned before how easy going everything has been the last couple months with le little man.  Honestly part of me is just waiting for the other shoe to drop, as the cliche goes.  In my mind, I'm thinking either he's going to get really hurt or really sick...and I'm going to freak the eff out. Or maybe I won't? I guess it depends on what goes wrong.  I almost died when the hubs fell down the stairs holding le little man.  Talk about an adrenaline rush! Luckily, LLM was just scared and not injured...however I still cursed the stairs for being slippery.  The hubs was damaged since he took the spill and I did check on him after I picked up the babe.

The Claymiester got really fussy last night and wouldn't let me put him down.  He felt warm so I took off his clothes and we had a bit of nakie baby time.

naked chubs

Poor little man. He still wasn't comfortable so I decided to take his temp.  And I had about a 3 millisecond heart attack when I read 100.1°F! Quickly grabbing my phone and googling baby fevers, I noted that a temp of 100.4°F for infants less than 3 months is cause for alarm.  Then, ever so oddly calm, I called the pediatricians office and spoke to the nurse.  Just to make sure.  She was so nice and told me to just watch his temperature and wait.  So wait I did.  Every movement, sound, sneeze, cough....I kept track of mentally, hoping to God he wasn't sick.  Thankfully, by bedtime his temperature went back to normal and he ate well and slept well all night.  So, we're back to our cute, loveable self.  But I'm going to watch him with a burning intensity for the next few days.

Simple joy in music and sound

I've started singing to LLM randomly while I'm playing with him.  He's particularly fond of the ABC's / Twinkle twinkle.  Not quite a fan of the itsy bitsy spider, however.  I get the "WTF" face when I sing that one.  I love watching his face light up in a big grin and he starts waving his little appendages around.  The pure joy of new experiences.  Watching him, I remember the excitement of learning new things, exploring different mediums.  Realizing, I've lost that excitement...knowing I'll have that again as I experience them once more through LLM's eyes.  It's a gift to treasure.

MM: "I'm making a Spotify playlist of children's songs to play for Clay...oh God kmn..."

So I created a kids songs playlist, since I realized my normal variety of music may be slightly inappropriate advanced, for a child. The MM part of me is excited to play this music for LLM and watch him to see which songs he likes, and which ones he doesn't.  To sing along and learn different things thru music. The me part of me is going, "ODG" thinking about the endless repeat of his favorite songs yet to come.  It's not even close to starting and I'm already dreading it. But at the same time, I want to preserve his innocence for as long as possible considering the kinds of music being played now being quite sexually charged.  Let's, uh, not go there quite yet.  I'll probably be the mom that really wants to believe her child is a virgin up til he gets married.


When LLM's in the mood, he'll turn his head towards different sounds, looking for its source. We're intrigued by the crinkly sounds of cello toys.  Then as he looks around, when he sees mommy smiling at him he just smiles right back.  And I swear...MadMommy melts.  Sigh, can I go home now and squeeze him?

It's in our own heads

My sister posted this to my wall yesterday and it made me laugh...

MadMommy, you missed Clayton say his first words!!!!
Me: "Clayton, Say NO MAMA!!"
Clayton: "OKAY"
What a smart 2 1/2 month old!!

 To which I responded:

actually...his first word was 'yeah'.
me: "are you hungry munchkins?"
clay: "YEAH" hahaha

No joke, he seriously sounded like he said "yeah".  And the other day LLM's babysitter told me he said "Hi" when she greeted him.  Of course, I know it is a bit too early for him to actually be speaking words and his 'words' are just his cooing noises.  But it was funny regardless. 

It's interesting how we interpret every facial expression, every noise, every smile and turn it into something we understand.  Logically, I know he's just experimenting with movements and sounds.  And I noticed he's starting to be interested in feeling different textures.  However, I love interacting with him and pretending we're actually having conversations.

What they don't tell you

One of the reasons I hadn't started this blog 2 months ago, what I didn't understand until very very recently, is something to the tune of the dreaded postpartum depression. DUN DUN DUN...

What I realize now is that I may have been experiencing perinatal depression, luckily (or unluckily) it was exacerbated by other factors in my life and it had me seeking professional help.  To work on those aspects of my life and to understand the feelings I was having, I knew I couldn't do it in my own mind.  This was a good thing that I'd sought out help.  And I'd advise ANYONE to seek help if you feel 'off'.  That's how it was for me.  I didn't know what it was, I just knew I wasn't all there anymore.  And unfortunately, it continued postpartum as well. Good thing I was already getting counseling.

This is the nitty gritty truth of my experience with perinatal and postpartum depression...

I lost myself.  I lost my confidence, my hopes.  Everything feels like it's falling apart around you and you don't know where to start picking up the pieces.  The guilt you mistakenly feel for everything going wrong in your life eats at you.  I could not understand when people told me "it's not your fault" because I had begun telling myself it's all my fault and worse, I'd started to believe it.

I got so worked up and anxious I started to notice my jaw was sore because I'd been clenching my teeth together so hard during the day.  I felt exhausted almost all of the time and I wasn't able to get any kind of restful sleep.  It doesn't help when you're the sole provider for an infant either.  I would look at my son and feel nothing.  I felt disconnected from him when I knew I'm doing what I can to bond with him.  I had a hard time getting myself to go out with friends, telling myself I wouldn't have fun, telling myself I would bring everyone else down, I'd be the party pooper. I had to convince myself I needed to go out.  I couldn't find the excitement to look forward to things.

This are all normal signs of depression, things that if you feel this way for a prolonged period of time can be considered dangerous.  Particularly if it eventually leads to "those" thoughts.  Which I never have, and I still can't contemplate how bad it has to be to entertain those thoughts at all.  I'm not out of the clear, there's still the same stress there always has been.  I've just been able to be more cognizant about my thoughts.  Plus, antidepressants as prescribed by the doctors don't hurt either. 

What no one ever tells you is how it physically affects you.

If I could possibly describe what the depression felt like with a visual explanation, the best description I can think of is trying to imagine what it would be like to trudge through a hot tar pit, struggling to take step after step.  Fighting against the tacky ooze as it pulls you down trying to drown you, trying to suffocate you.  Fighting against it seems impossible and the longer you fight, the more you exhaust your energy.  Getting up and doing seemingly simple things becomes some monumental task.  The thought alone of trying to decide to do those things becomes daunting.  Your body is so tense that eventually it starts hurting. It's a panic attack on steroids.

My biggest thing was that I thought it was all just a mind set.  That to change how I was feeling I had to change how I was thinking.  However, its much much more than that.  I realize that now because my thoughts are the same, but my reaction to them and my overall mood has gotten better.  That's what the point of antidepressants are.

Thankfully, I have good support.  Family and friends...and a good baby daddy who has taken over meal cooking and a multitude of other chores since I've been back at work.  It's amazing what a good amount of R&R can do for you.  I could go into more detail, however that would just be for me so I'll use my journal rather than my blog to get it out.  Chronicling what I'm going through can help work things out in my head.  I go back and forth with good weeks and bad weeks, I still need to work on a lot of issues but the good news is, I'm getting help and I'm getting better.