I have to wonder if I'm about to be visited by my dear aunt flo... mostly because I can't stop myself from crying as I sit in front of my computer today. It hit me that C spends more time at the sitters than anywhere else and what little time he does spend at "home" I have to share him with his dad. While he sees his sitter every day, he sees me 4/7 nights a week plus half the weekends. And I'm struggling with that right now. The dreaded mommy guilt. Especially when he hates when I make him leave her house, which is really his 3rd home...that he spends the most time in. Ugh.
For a while, I seem to have deluded myself into thinking this is normal. (wow, that seems to be a recurring theme in my life) Working to support my little family and because I like working (insert gasp here). I still think I could never be a stay at home mom. As much as I would love to spend more time with my little guy, I need to be working. But that doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with him. He's 2 now...with a strong personality. I want to see him play and watch him learn. Instead our routine is...routine. Get up - go to the sitters (here's a quick breakfast on the way) - work - pick up from the sitters (here lets distract you with my phone so you're not wiggling your way out of my arms as i try to put you in your car seat) - cooking dinner - struggle to get him to eat said dinner - bath time - movie/reading time - bedtime. Rinse and repeat. Where in there does it say play time? With the weather getting nicer (slowly but surely) hes now struggling with me to want to play outside. Getting upset because he wants to play on the driveway but since I can't see him from the kitchen I can't let him play there - and he wont play in the backyard, mostly because it's still covered in snow...but also its gross back there and he's ironically the cleanest 2 year old boy I know.
I imagine he plays w his dad all the time. I don't know how they do it, because he works just as much as I do...and it makes me sad. And mad. And frustrated. Mostly at myself, because I should be prioritizing C and his playtime and taking that time to really enjoy his childhood and his desire to learn. I think about the mom's who have multiple kids and are somehow pulling it off.
I'm no supermom. But I want to be.
For his 2nd birthday we had a Thomas the Tank Engine themed birthday. It was amazing and fun.
This makes me happy...
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| Go School? |
And finally...This happened: (3.15.14)
Time to think about a new bed for C....
Now that I've gone through the instaclay camera roll, I feel a lot better... So grateful for this little ball of joy. Love him more than the sun.
