The ugly.

I don't particularly experience "mom guilt" or "nanny envy", but there are times when I do feel the pangs of guilt and envy when it comes to the little man.  Most are just slight pangs, quickly squashed by reminding myself that a. this is the life that's best for both of us and b. its normal.  However, there are those that are not just slight pangs...these are full blown panic attack inducing mind distortions.  These moments tend to occur when involving the little man's daddy.  Now, technically I'm still married to the man so I guess he's still my husband.  But I've been living apart from him now for several months.  And if you're counting...that's most of little man's little life so far.

The little guy has been amazing adjusting between the two homes, though getting his daddy to stick to an actual schedule made my life a living hell for a while.  I really can't say anything bad about him, he is a great loving father.  But...he and I are VERY different.  It'll be interesting to see who the little one will take after more. If I could guess, I can see a good balance between the 2.  Hopefully the better parts of both of us.

Anyway, slightly off topic. So having the 2 homes, I do often have to relinquish time with him to his father.  Which is fine.  Most of the time.  Lately, I've noticed that when he's with me (he sleeps in a pack and play for now...crib is on its way), he wakes up once or twice a night.  I've asked the 'husband' about it and he claims he sleeps fine and eats well and is happy and everything when he's with him.  It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong.  Not that I'm doing anything wrong...but why? I mean... he spends the majority of his time with me, so he should be more comfortable right?  I'm not sure... it makes me unsure of myself. It makes me insecure.  I hate that.  I'm a mean, ugly person when I'm jealous and insecure...and that comes out with the baby daddy.  It's not a good time right now for me.  I'm happier than I would be if I still lived with the husband but in some ways...it makes me so angry and jealous when the little guy behaves more for daddy than me.