MIA and overwhelmed

Finding a happy balance is hard.  I feel overworked, overloaded, and just plain damned overwhelmed.  You try to get a little bit of "me" time...to focus on you, because you know a better, happier you equals a better, happier world around you.  The energy you have to contribute to your space, affects those around you and in your space.  But then the push back comes and guilt replaces all of that good, positive energy that you've accumulated, draining you.  And you begin to doubt and second guess your instincts.  And if you're like me, you hide.  Because no one wants to see you cry.  It's taboo, to be overwhelmed with emotion.  No one takes you seriously, you're perceived as weak. Doubt is destruction. Push back makes you doubt yourself.

Well, screw. them. all.  Because it takes a strong person to admit they have weak moments.  The bravest are the ones who are the most scared.   You can only gain something when you lose.  The world is a delicate balance of opposites.  There can be no light without darkness.  No sense of good without evil.  To find a peace, accept the whole.  And to be truly whole, you have to embrace and accept all of who you are.  So, the mantra I must adopt is this: I am evil, but I am good.  I am anger, but I am gentle.  I am sad, but I am happy.  I have lost, but I have gained.  I am insecure, but I am confident.  I am weak, but I am strong. I am awful, and I am awesome. I am doubtful, but I am hopeful.  I. Just. Am.

I wish I had my son tonight. He embodies all that is good and reveres every new moment.   That connection with the world is what I need right now. Because the dark energy I carry today is overwhelming.